I'm scared shitless of strangers.
When I say strangers I mean everybody. I know in my heart that anyone is capable of doing anything at any time, and I'm terrified that anything will happen to me at anytime by anyone. We read about it all the time, someone goes nuts in a mall and murders a few people, flash mobs in inner city's beating random people of a different race, and beggars stabbing someone after being told to fuck off. (I have never told a panhandler to fuck off. I've wanted to.) I know the odds of being involved in something like that are a little better than winning the lottery, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared.
There have been countless opportunities for me to get my ass out of the house and explore the world, but I seldom do. I look for reasons not to take the kids to amusement parks, movies, malls, etc. I get nervous every time someone knocks on my door.I haven't completely shut down my life. In fact as I am writing this I am preparing for a weekend trip with the girls to the state fair. This should be fun, but I am apprehensive about it. Since my divorce with their mom a year ago, I have made more of an effort to take them places and develop those memories that they are going to have forever. I am also working hard on being an example to them on how to interact with people in a positive way. I don't want them to develop my same fears. Because truth be told, I'm not really scared of what people might do to me. I'm scared of how I am going to interact with them.
I hurt my knee last July, and since then I have been on alternative duty working in downtown Dallas. Being cheep, I can't see paying five bucks a day for parking, so I ride the train from deep south east Dallas to downtown.I don't fit into the demographic of your average rider from that area. I don't think I am a racist, but I was raised in a racist household and around racist people for most of my childhood. I have worked hard on being open minded and non-judgemental,but I do have to admit that I am more comfortable around people of my own race. I hate this about myself. I could go on and on about how I am not a bigot, but really if you get down to it, I am. Also I think everybody is, in some degree or another. I am not a raging hate filled white man. I also don't want to insult people by trying to relate to the struggles of their race. All I can do is treat everyone like I want to be treated. I strive to do that every day.(I think this is a topic I need to explore more as well.)
So I ride this train every day. The mornings are pretty quiet and easy, not too many people are really awake yet so I don't have to talk to them, but the afternoons are scary. The train is always packed with a variety of people. Not all of them are pleasant. Yesterday the train was packed so I had to stand at the front of the train against a pole. Sitting in the front row was this skinny black woman with one bad eye. She was wearing a knit hat on her head which made her head look deformed. I could tell she had some sort of mental handicap, and that scared me to death. I was standing there trying not to attract her attention and thinking about why I was so scared of her. The only conclusion I could come to was, I just didn't know how to interact with her. I had no idea how to respond to her if she engaged me in conversation. So I just put on my headphones and pretended she wasn't there.(People leave you alone if they see you have headphones on. I normally just put them in my ears and don't turn on the music.) I hate myself sometimes.
Across the isle from her was a little boy (white) with his grandfather. They were headed to the state fair. He was all excited, he could just feel that he was getting closer to those corny dogs. His presence attracted this handicapped woman, she kept trying to ask him if he was going to the fair, and telling him to have a good time. Now here is the funny part. His grandfather was sitting in the seat closest to this woman, and he kept his eyes straight in front of him, and didn't even bother to look at this lady. I knew he could hear her, but he didn't even acknowledge her. The little boy finally saw her and waved at her.At that point she smiled, and it burnt me. I felt it on my skin, and work to my heart. She was so happy someone "saw" her. The self loathing I felt at that moment was profound.
The only consolation I had, was I wasn't the only one to be scared of her. It was obvious the the boys grandfather was out of his comfort zone even more so than me. He was not only scared for himself, but he was scared for the boy. The guy sitting in the seat next to her even ignored her. This raised some questions to me. What would have been the risk to say hello to that lady? Did our inaction's hurt her in any way, or was she used to not being "seen"? What's that like? I can't imagine what that's like.
I just know now, in order to improve myself, I need to work on my fear of others/myself. I got off the train yesterday without saying anything to her. I regret that. That woman changed a part of me yesterday. I will always be grateful to her for that.
Continuing on my journey to be a man,
Tommy
When I say strangers I mean everybody. I know in my heart that anyone is capable of doing anything at any time, and I'm terrified that anything will happen to me at anytime by anyone. We read about it all the time, someone goes nuts in a mall and murders a few people, flash mobs in inner city's beating random people of a different race, and beggars stabbing someone after being told to fuck off. (I have never told a panhandler to fuck off. I've wanted to.) I know the odds of being involved in something like that are a little better than winning the lottery, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared.
There have been countless opportunities for me to get my ass out of the house and explore the world, but I seldom do. I look for reasons not to take the kids to amusement parks, movies, malls, etc. I get nervous every time someone knocks on my door.I haven't completely shut down my life. In fact as I am writing this I am preparing for a weekend trip with the girls to the state fair. This should be fun, but I am apprehensive about it. Since my divorce with their mom a year ago, I have made more of an effort to take them places and develop those memories that they are going to have forever. I am also working hard on being an example to them on how to interact with people in a positive way. I don't want them to develop my same fears. Because truth be told, I'm not really scared of what people might do to me. I'm scared of how I am going to interact with them.
I hurt my knee last July, and since then I have been on alternative duty working in downtown Dallas. Being cheep, I can't see paying five bucks a day for parking, so I ride the train from deep south east Dallas to downtown.I don't fit into the demographic of your average rider from that area. I don't think I am a racist, but I was raised in a racist household and around racist people for most of my childhood. I have worked hard on being open minded and non-judgemental,but I do have to admit that I am more comfortable around people of my own race. I hate this about myself. I could go on and on about how I am not a bigot, but really if you get down to it, I am. Also I think everybody is, in some degree or another. I am not a raging hate filled white man. I also don't want to insult people by trying to relate to the struggles of their race. All I can do is treat everyone like I want to be treated. I strive to do that every day.(I think this is a topic I need to explore more as well.)
So I ride this train every day. The mornings are pretty quiet and easy, not too many people are really awake yet so I don't have to talk to them, but the afternoons are scary. The train is always packed with a variety of people. Not all of them are pleasant. Yesterday the train was packed so I had to stand at the front of the train against a pole. Sitting in the front row was this skinny black woman with one bad eye. She was wearing a knit hat on her head which made her head look deformed. I could tell she had some sort of mental handicap, and that scared me to death. I was standing there trying not to attract her attention and thinking about why I was so scared of her. The only conclusion I could come to was, I just didn't know how to interact with her. I had no idea how to respond to her if she engaged me in conversation. So I just put on my headphones and pretended she wasn't there.(People leave you alone if they see you have headphones on. I normally just put them in my ears and don't turn on the music.) I hate myself sometimes.
Across the isle from her was a little boy (white) with his grandfather. They were headed to the state fair. He was all excited, he could just feel that he was getting closer to those corny dogs. His presence attracted this handicapped woman, she kept trying to ask him if he was going to the fair, and telling him to have a good time. Now here is the funny part. His grandfather was sitting in the seat closest to this woman, and he kept his eyes straight in front of him, and didn't even bother to look at this lady. I knew he could hear her, but he didn't even acknowledge her. The little boy finally saw her and waved at her.At that point she smiled, and it burnt me. I felt it on my skin, and work to my heart. She was so happy someone "saw" her. The self loathing I felt at that moment was profound.
The only consolation I had, was I wasn't the only one to be scared of her. It was obvious the the boys grandfather was out of his comfort zone even more so than me. He was not only scared for himself, but he was scared for the boy. The guy sitting in the seat next to her even ignored her. This raised some questions to me. What would have been the risk to say hello to that lady? Did our inaction's hurt her in any way, or was she used to not being "seen"? What's that like? I can't imagine what that's like.
I just know now, in order to improve myself, I need to work on my fear of others/myself. I got off the train yesterday without saying anything to her. I regret that. That woman changed a part of me yesterday. I will always be grateful to her for that.
Continuing on my journey to be a man,
Tommy
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