Beginnings

 I first tried acid during the end of my first marriage. People that know me, would be surprised that I wasn't tripping in my high school days. I projected some sort of druggie image back then, but It was all a front. Seems to me that allot of what kids and adults do is in direct contrast to the appearance that they portray. I've never studied psychology, nor have I graduated from any higher education program (hell, I barely passed high school), but I do believe that I have a knack for observing people and expressing my unqualified opinion every chance I get.
  In my last job, I had worked my way into a supervisory position. Before that I was an aircraft mechanic who, for lack of a better term was a marginal employee. I spent most of my time on the clock trying to figure out ways not to do my job, but I had a knack for making the powers in charge believe that I was awesome at my job. This allowed me to position myself into a first level supervisor job. The first few months were hell. I was working very hard to impress my supervisors, and still keep the ties to the peer group I just left. I would make sure to eat my lunches with my "old" friends. They would always tell me to remember where I came from. Problem is at the first chance a group of them had they forgot where I came from. Then I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

  I used to have this dream when I was a mechanic that the company was a prison and we hourly employees were the inmates, suffering from the abuse of the prison guards. I would wake up in a cold sweat and have to reassure myself it was only a dream and not real. After taking the first level supervisor job, I started having the same dream, but this time instead of being an inmate, I was a trustee. Which was worse, I was hated by my fellow inmates and belittled by the prison guards. In hind sight, this was a warning from my self conscious. I should have quit that job and become a traveling hermit, but the family prevented that. Not too sure how that worked out cause I lost my marriage to the work schedule and the horrible attitude I developed from dealing with the stress.

  My main problem is that I am a self styled rebel. I am one of those people that believe that you can say or do anything as long as your right. This led to several conflicts with superiors that eventually led to my termination (pissing off the wrong person, and then that person becoming a VP 4 years later). I was inconsistent with my "rightness". I would stand up for my employees when it seemed like it was an easy win, but when someone more persuasive to me had a different idea I would swap sides. I believe most people are that way. It's not some sort of weakness, its just ingrained in our mentality as heard animals. I hurt allot of people in my brief time as a boss. I'd also like to think I helped more than I hurt, but who knows. I'm probably just kidding myself. I do know that I cared deeply for the guys that worked for me. I also know that most of them screwed me on a daily basis.

  The thing is that during that time I forgot who I was. I was trying to be this person that I thought I was supposed to be. A responsible alpha male, who provides allot to his children and puts his wife in a new car every 2 years, votes republican, kisses ass, and inspires others. This was all an act. I used to hate the man, then I became the man, which made me hate myself. Today I am a lowly hourly employee working in a completely different industry.I hope that I can remember the lessons I learned then and apply them to my life now. I am constantly reminding myself to quit projecting something I'm not.

  So that is why I'm doing this. I want to become who I am and stop pretending to be someone else. So if you stubled on this humble blog by accident, run away and delete your history. If you decide that you think I might be interesting and decide to follow it, well your a moron, but I like morons. Hell I'm a moron

I'm a loser baby--so why don't you kill me.
T