The world is not going to end tomorrow.
Every day I have to struggle to keep my mind focused on the fact that today isn't the last one. From early childhood I was raised to expect Jesus's return at any minute. Today I am constantly reminded by the media, self help gurus, and various products to "live today like there is no tomorrow". Well fuck that. There is going to be a tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.
A couple of weeks ago on a lazy Sunday morning spent with my daughters and my girlfriend, someone knocked on my door. I grew up in the country and have recently moved into the "city"(population 1,500), so I get a little edgy every time someone knocks on my door. I told my kids to take the dog out back and sit down and be quiet (I told you I get edgy). I opened it to find two of the nicest looking senior citizens you could imagine. Right away I thought "Oh boy, here it comes". I greeted them with a "Good morning".
The lady started with, "Good morning. I would like to talk to you a little bit if you have some time."
I just sat there and listened for a bit. "Have you noticed that the word seems to keep getting worse? With the wars and politicall unrest. God has a plan, and I would like to discuss it with you."
I stopped her, "Ma'am, I appreciate what your trying to do here, but my beliefs aren't going to agree with yours. I appreciate what your doing. Please by all means keep it up. Have a great day." At that point I closed the door. They left smiling and waving. All in all a good exchange. I politely expressed my opinion to them without being rude or discouraging to them. I felt pretty good that my kids heard me be such a good example. (Yea Me!)
After they left I was disturbed by how she started the conversation. Is the world getting worse? I have always felt that the world is neither getting worse or better. The progress that media and social networks have had in the past couple of decades are just making all the bad news more accessible. The main thing I remind myself is the universe is huge, and we are nothing compared to the size and scope of the world. Our time here is short, the amount of space we take up is small, and the importance we have is nothing in the grand scheme.
There are constants. People are capable of terrible horrors to each other, and on the other side we are capable of exceptional good. This has been the case from the very begining when we developed cognitive thought. It will always be so until we evolve into something that isn't so petty. Starving children in Africa, Terrorists in Iraq, and flash mobs in Cleveland do not affect me. There are things that do effect me, but I can't do anything about. There always will be. I am not in control of anything but my own actions.
I have to live my life in a way that makes me happy, and makes my children better people. I am example to them. My daughters are going to use my ex-wife's and my behavior as a blue print to create their own. I can't control my ex, but I can control my portion of that blue print. I know that the world is not going to end tomorrow. Will I be here tomorrow? I don't know. I could die in a car crash on my way home today, but I'm not going to let that remote possibility change how I live today. I am going to live each day like there is going to be a thousand tomorrows for me. I'm gonna make plans, goals, and dream a little every day. I don't expect any of them to come true, but it's fun. If I expect the world to end, I will stop being the person that I need to be for my daughters. I want them to have hope in themselves and to learn nothing instant is going to make them happy.
Here for now,
Tommy
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Faith
Richad Dawkins and Jerry Fallwell are very sad little men.
I have come to the realization that I am not an atheist. There is a problem I have with atheists, even when I agree with most of what they are saying. The problem is that they have absolute faith in the fact that they are right. It almost seems that the collective atheists of the world have developed an anti-church. There are firm tenants in which they will not yield. They will mock and ridicule those that have a divinity based faith. Any attempt to suggest that maybe there was some sort of "higher power" is immediately called out as stupid. They get passionately angry with the "idiots/sheep" that believe in a god. I really don't know if this is true of all atheists, but the ones that I talked to and read about, seemed to say the same things. Like most people I would like to just sit back and take the prescription that the atheist are giving and be an anti-divine, religious hating person/sheep, but I run from them as much as I ran from the firmly regulated protestant background I came from.
(Remember these are my opinions, few of the statements in this blog come from anything I can prove)
I find having faith in a book that was written over several hundred years, a couple of thousand years ago, translated from many different languages/versions, and edited to suit very difficult. (I bet it was even hard to read that last one) I can't believe that the entire earth flooded for 40 days sparing only one family and two of each kind of animal on a boat. I read once that the "flood story" is an adaptation from the tale of Gilgamesh from Samaria that outdated the earliest bible by over 200years. I don't know if that is true, but aren't there other stories that the bible has borrowed from other older religions. There is also evidence that the virgin birth, which Christians place allot of significance on as a miracle, was actually an ancient typo. Virgin didn't mean never fucked. It meant young unmarried girl.
Ok so I just brought up a couple of examples of why I find the bible, on its own, to be hard to swallow. I don't really have much the time or energy to keep going with that stuff. However I do want to mention that that Jesus guy had some pretty cool stuff to say. When I read the bible I like to try to stick to the red words.
Sometimes when I look at the world around me, I get amazed at all the things that we do not know. I think about the things that we thought we knew, and now know to be false. This world is always changing. Our knowledge is always changing with it. We are an adaptable species. Most of the world’s religions come from early mans quest to explain the phenomenon that surrounded them. It makes perfect sense to think that those things were from a "god" or spirits. I was fortunate to be able to travel the world when I was young and I discovered that the followers of every religion I came across believed in their faith as much as I had in mind as a child. They felt the same sense of reverence and awe when communing with their god or gods. This had a profound impact on me, and caused me to question the beliefs that I held so strongly. Was the uplifted feeling I got some sort of mass evolutionary psychological response? All I know is that I still have that feeling from time to time, even when I was an "atheist" not believing in a divine being.
Today I am an agnostic. I try to question everything that I'm exposed to. I want to find out the truth in everything that I see, and I have come to the realization that I don't know anything. That is what agnosticism means, without knowledge. It means that I don't particularly believe that there is a god, nor do I believe there isn't. I only know I cannot attain this knowledge this day and time. There are times in my life that I know beyond a doubt that there is something greater than me controlling the world. Two of those times were the birth of my daughters. Others are the times I'm with myself outdoors being marveled by the intensity of nature. This is an amazing world that I find hard to be an accident. The sheer size of the universe goes to prove that it is beyond anything we can comprehend at this stage of our evolution. So again we are without knowledge and will remain so for the foreseeable future of man.
This is why I discovered that admitting I was an agnostic has freed me. I am no longer tied to the "moral" constraints of an evangelical protestant rule book, nor am I filled with hate for those that are. I make it a point to not judge people of faith, as I believe it would make me a hypocrite. Hypocrisy is one thing I can't stand. Everyone in this world has a right to believe what they feel will help them get through life. I cannot fault someone for praying for guidance. I at times will surrender my fate to something greater than myself. Those times are liberating to me. All religious dogma aside, Jesus final commandment to his disciples was to love one another, and Bill and Ted's was "Be excellent to each other". Who could argue with that? Today I am free to admit I know nothing. I don't hold out hope of gaining knowledge either, because after all I am insignificant in this massively giant and ancient universe. All I can do is love the ones around me, and tolerate the ones that believe. Who knows they all could be right.
Forever ignorant,
Tommy
I have come to the realization that I am not an atheist. There is a problem I have with atheists, even when I agree with most of what they are saying. The problem is that they have absolute faith in the fact that they are right. It almost seems that the collective atheists of the world have developed an anti-church. There are firm tenants in which they will not yield. They will mock and ridicule those that have a divinity based faith. Any attempt to suggest that maybe there was some sort of "higher power" is immediately called out as stupid. They get passionately angry with the "idiots/sheep" that believe in a god. I really don't know if this is true of all atheists, but the ones that I talked to and read about, seemed to say the same things. Like most people I would like to just sit back and take the prescription that the atheist are giving and be an anti-divine, religious hating person/sheep, but I run from them as much as I ran from the firmly regulated protestant background I came from.
(Remember these are my opinions, few of the statements in this blog come from anything I can prove)
I find having faith in a book that was written over several hundred years, a couple of thousand years ago, translated from many different languages/versions, and edited to suit very difficult. (I bet it was even hard to read that last one) I can't believe that the entire earth flooded for 40 days sparing only one family and two of each kind of animal on a boat. I read once that the "flood story" is an adaptation from the tale of Gilgamesh from Samaria that outdated the earliest bible by over 200years. I don't know if that is true, but aren't there other stories that the bible has borrowed from other older religions. There is also evidence that the virgin birth, which Christians place allot of significance on as a miracle, was actually an ancient typo. Virgin didn't mean never fucked. It meant young unmarried girl.
Ok so I just brought up a couple of examples of why I find the bible, on its own, to be hard to swallow. I don't really have much the time or energy to keep going with that stuff. However I do want to mention that that Jesus guy had some pretty cool stuff to say. When I read the bible I like to try to stick to the red words.
Sometimes when I look at the world around me, I get amazed at all the things that we do not know. I think about the things that we thought we knew, and now know to be false. This world is always changing. Our knowledge is always changing with it. We are an adaptable species. Most of the world’s religions come from early mans quest to explain the phenomenon that surrounded them. It makes perfect sense to think that those things were from a "god" or spirits. I was fortunate to be able to travel the world when I was young and I discovered that the followers of every religion I came across believed in their faith as much as I had in mind as a child. They felt the same sense of reverence and awe when communing with their god or gods. This had a profound impact on me, and caused me to question the beliefs that I held so strongly. Was the uplifted feeling I got some sort of mass evolutionary psychological response? All I know is that I still have that feeling from time to time, even when I was an "atheist" not believing in a divine being.
Today I am an agnostic. I try to question everything that I'm exposed to. I want to find out the truth in everything that I see, and I have come to the realization that I don't know anything. That is what agnosticism means, without knowledge. It means that I don't particularly believe that there is a god, nor do I believe there isn't. I only know I cannot attain this knowledge this day and time. There are times in my life that I know beyond a doubt that there is something greater than me controlling the world. Two of those times were the birth of my daughters. Others are the times I'm with myself outdoors being marveled by the intensity of nature. This is an amazing world that I find hard to be an accident. The sheer size of the universe goes to prove that it is beyond anything we can comprehend at this stage of our evolution. So again we are without knowledge and will remain so for the foreseeable future of man.
This is why I discovered that admitting I was an agnostic has freed me. I am no longer tied to the "moral" constraints of an evangelical protestant rule book, nor am I filled with hate for those that are. I make it a point to not judge people of faith, as I believe it would make me a hypocrite. Hypocrisy is one thing I can't stand. Everyone in this world has a right to believe what they feel will help them get through life. I cannot fault someone for praying for guidance. I at times will surrender my fate to something greater than myself. Those times are liberating to me. All religious dogma aside, Jesus final commandment to his disciples was to love one another, and Bill and Ted's was "Be excellent to each other". Who could argue with that? Today I am free to admit I know nothing. I don't hold out hope of gaining knowledge either, because after all I am insignificant in this massively giant and ancient universe. All I can do is love the ones around me, and tolerate the ones that believe. Who knows they all could be right.
Forever ignorant,
Tommy
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Strangers
I'm scared shitless of strangers.
When I say strangers I mean everybody. I know in my heart that anyone is capable of doing anything at any time, and I'm terrified that anything will happen to me at anytime by anyone. We read about it all the time, someone goes nuts in a mall and murders a few people, flash mobs in inner city's beating random people of a different race, and beggars stabbing someone after being told to fuck off. (I have never told a panhandler to fuck off. I've wanted to.) I know the odds of being involved in something like that are a little better than winning the lottery, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared.
There have been countless opportunities for me to get my ass out of the house and explore the world, but I seldom do. I look for reasons not to take the kids to amusement parks, movies, malls, etc. I get nervous every time someone knocks on my door.I haven't completely shut down my life. In fact as I am writing this I am preparing for a weekend trip with the girls to the state fair. This should be fun, but I am apprehensive about it. Since my divorce with their mom a year ago, I have made more of an effort to take them places and develop those memories that they are going to have forever. I am also working hard on being an example to them on how to interact with people in a positive way. I don't want them to develop my same fears. Because truth be told, I'm not really scared of what people might do to me. I'm scared of how I am going to interact with them.
I hurt my knee last July, and since then I have been on alternative duty working in downtown Dallas. Being cheep, I can't see paying five bucks a day for parking, so I ride the train from deep south east Dallas to downtown.I don't fit into the demographic of your average rider from that area. I don't think I am a racist, but I was raised in a racist household and around racist people for most of my childhood. I have worked hard on being open minded and non-judgemental,but I do have to admit that I am more comfortable around people of my own race. I hate this about myself. I could go on and on about how I am not a bigot, but really if you get down to it, I am. Also I think everybody is, in some degree or another. I am not a raging hate filled white man. I also don't want to insult people by trying to relate to the struggles of their race. All I can do is treat everyone like I want to be treated. I strive to do that every day.(I think this is a topic I need to explore more as well.)
So I ride this train every day. The mornings are pretty quiet and easy, not too many people are really awake yet so I don't have to talk to them, but the afternoons are scary. The train is always packed with a variety of people. Not all of them are pleasant. Yesterday the train was packed so I had to stand at the front of the train against a pole. Sitting in the front row was this skinny black woman with one bad eye. She was wearing a knit hat on her head which made her head look deformed. I could tell she had some sort of mental handicap, and that scared me to death. I was standing there trying not to attract her attention and thinking about why I was so scared of her. The only conclusion I could come to was, I just didn't know how to interact with her. I had no idea how to respond to her if she engaged me in conversation. So I just put on my headphones and pretended she wasn't there.(People leave you alone if they see you have headphones on. I normally just put them in my ears and don't turn on the music.) I hate myself sometimes.
Across the isle from her was a little boy (white) with his grandfather. They were headed to the state fair. He was all excited, he could just feel that he was getting closer to those corny dogs. His presence attracted this handicapped woman, she kept trying to ask him if he was going to the fair, and telling him to have a good time. Now here is the funny part. His grandfather was sitting in the seat closest to this woman, and he kept his eyes straight in front of him, and didn't even bother to look at this lady. I knew he could hear her, but he didn't even acknowledge her. The little boy finally saw her and waved at her.At that point she smiled, and it burnt me. I felt it on my skin, and work to my heart. She was so happy someone "saw" her. The self loathing I felt at that moment was profound.
The only consolation I had, was I wasn't the only one to be scared of her. It was obvious the the boys grandfather was out of his comfort zone even more so than me. He was not only scared for himself, but he was scared for the boy. The guy sitting in the seat next to her even ignored her. This raised some questions to me. What would have been the risk to say hello to that lady? Did our inaction's hurt her in any way, or was she used to not being "seen"? What's that like? I can't imagine what that's like.
I just know now, in order to improve myself, I need to work on my fear of others/myself. I got off the train yesterday without saying anything to her. I regret that. That woman changed a part of me yesterday. I will always be grateful to her for that.
Continuing on my journey to be a man,
Tommy
When I say strangers I mean everybody. I know in my heart that anyone is capable of doing anything at any time, and I'm terrified that anything will happen to me at anytime by anyone. We read about it all the time, someone goes nuts in a mall and murders a few people, flash mobs in inner city's beating random people of a different race, and beggars stabbing someone after being told to fuck off. (I have never told a panhandler to fuck off. I've wanted to.) I know the odds of being involved in something like that are a little better than winning the lottery, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared.
There have been countless opportunities for me to get my ass out of the house and explore the world, but I seldom do. I look for reasons not to take the kids to amusement parks, movies, malls, etc. I get nervous every time someone knocks on my door.I haven't completely shut down my life. In fact as I am writing this I am preparing for a weekend trip with the girls to the state fair. This should be fun, but I am apprehensive about it. Since my divorce with their mom a year ago, I have made more of an effort to take them places and develop those memories that they are going to have forever. I am also working hard on being an example to them on how to interact with people in a positive way. I don't want them to develop my same fears. Because truth be told, I'm not really scared of what people might do to me. I'm scared of how I am going to interact with them.
I hurt my knee last July, and since then I have been on alternative duty working in downtown Dallas. Being cheep, I can't see paying five bucks a day for parking, so I ride the train from deep south east Dallas to downtown.I don't fit into the demographic of your average rider from that area. I don't think I am a racist, but I was raised in a racist household and around racist people for most of my childhood. I have worked hard on being open minded and non-judgemental,but I do have to admit that I am more comfortable around people of my own race. I hate this about myself. I could go on and on about how I am not a bigot, but really if you get down to it, I am. Also I think everybody is, in some degree or another. I am not a raging hate filled white man. I also don't want to insult people by trying to relate to the struggles of their race. All I can do is treat everyone like I want to be treated. I strive to do that every day.(I think this is a topic I need to explore more as well.)
So I ride this train every day. The mornings are pretty quiet and easy, not too many people are really awake yet so I don't have to talk to them, but the afternoons are scary. The train is always packed with a variety of people. Not all of them are pleasant. Yesterday the train was packed so I had to stand at the front of the train against a pole. Sitting in the front row was this skinny black woman with one bad eye. She was wearing a knit hat on her head which made her head look deformed. I could tell she had some sort of mental handicap, and that scared me to death. I was standing there trying not to attract her attention and thinking about why I was so scared of her. The only conclusion I could come to was, I just didn't know how to interact with her. I had no idea how to respond to her if she engaged me in conversation. So I just put on my headphones and pretended she wasn't there.(People leave you alone if they see you have headphones on. I normally just put them in my ears and don't turn on the music.) I hate myself sometimes.
Across the isle from her was a little boy (white) with his grandfather. They were headed to the state fair. He was all excited, he could just feel that he was getting closer to those corny dogs. His presence attracted this handicapped woman, she kept trying to ask him if he was going to the fair, and telling him to have a good time. Now here is the funny part. His grandfather was sitting in the seat closest to this woman, and he kept his eyes straight in front of him, and didn't even bother to look at this lady. I knew he could hear her, but he didn't even acknowledge her. The little boy finally saw her and waved at her.At that point she smiled, and it burnt me. I felt it on my skin, and work to my heart. She was so happy someone "saw" her. The self loathing I felt at that moment was profound.
The only consolation I had, was I wasn't the only one to be scared of her. It was obvious the the boys grandfather was out of his comfort zone even more so than me. He was not only scared for himself, but he was scared for the boy. The guy sitting in the seat next to her even ignored her. This raised some questions to me. What would have been the risk to say hello to that lady? Did our inaction's hurt her in any way, or was she used to not being "seen"? What's that like? I can't imagine what that's like.
I just know now, in order to improve myself, I need to work on my fear of others/myself. I got off the train yesterday without saying anything to her. I regret that. That woman changed a part of me yesterday. I will always be grateful to her for that.
Continuing on my journey to be a man,
Tommy
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Do Over
I had planned and even started this great blog about faith, but on the way home I got distracted and am going to write on a completely different topic. I just have to do a little more research and work on it. I'ts gonna be titled "Strangers Scare the Shit Outta Me". Stay Tuned
Tommy
Tommy
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Honesty
Blogging is for really smart people to express their ideas, or it is for complete idiots to spout off about shit they don't really know. I am one of the spouters. I don't know if more than a handful of people will read this, and those will mostly be people that find this site by accident. Sorry to waste your time. I'm sure that family and friends will discover this and read it and then I will be in some hot water, because I plan on using this medium to be completely honest.
I am going to express my thoughts and opinions without trying to impress anyone. Really over half of the lies that I tell are to make someone happy. We all do it. People will tell their kids that a horrible sketch they spent 10 minutes on is a work of art. We make such a big deal of it that we put it up on the fridge. Why do we do that? Cause we want to constantly inspire our children, and not let our opinions stifle their creativity. I agree with that. I would never tell one of my daughters that her "dog" was horrible, but that doesn't change the fact that it looks like some kind of alien elephant. I applaud the effort without mentioning the result. The problem is I was taught from an early age that lying is wrong, while being constructively lied to by my parents. Big mixed message. This has created allot of conflict within myself.
I developed a lying habit as a kid. I lied to impress other kids, teachers, and my parents. This is a habit that I have refined in the few years since I reached adulthood. That is to say, I don't just make up completely unbelievable stuff. I research my lies and add a little truth to keep them easy to remember. I lie now to do much of the same things that I did as a kid. I lie to my peers to impress them, and I lie to my bosses to get in good with them. Does this make me a bad person. I don't think so. It makes me normal. How many men of my fathers generation been busted for saying they were in Vietnam when they were back at home. That is an extreme example of what I'm talking about, but it is one that is easy to understand.
What has taken me so long to say here, is that I am not intentionally going to lie here in the process of becoming better. The urge to lie to impress the "anonymous masses" is huge. Who doesn't want to be liked? This is not going to be about impressing anyone but myself. Is that a lie? Maybe I'm saying that to impress your rebel side. I don't know yet, but hopefully before too long, I'll be able to answer that.
Thing is at this moment I feel honest, and as long as I feel that way, I will continue this journey. This honesty might cause discomfort for some of my loved ones during this, but I hope they understand where this is coming from and not get all 'stuck on the details'. If your still reading this you are a moron, but don't take that the wrong way.
Tommy
I am going to express my thoughts and opinions without trying to impress anyone. Really over half of the lies that I tell are to make someone happy. We all do it. People will tell their kids that a horrible sketch they spent 10 minutes on is a work of art. We make such a big deal of it that we put it up on the fridge. Why do we do that? Cause we want to constantly inspire our children, and not let our opinions stifle their creativity. I agree with that. I would never tell one of my daughters that her "dog" was horrible, but that doesn't change the fact that it looks like some kind of alien elephant. I applaud the effort without mentioning the result. The problem is I was taught from an early age that lying is wrong, while being constructively lied to by my parents. Big mixed message. This has created allot of conflict within myself.
I developed a lying habit as a kid. I lied to impress other kids, teachers, and my parents. This is a habit that I have refined in the few years since I reached adulthood. That is to say, I don't just make up completely unbelievable stuff. I research my lies and add a little truth to keep them easy to remember. I lie now to do much of the same things that I did as a kid. I lie to my peers to impress them, and I lie to my bosses to get in good with them. Does this make me a bad person. I don't think so. It makes me normal. How many men of my fathers generation been busted for saying they were in Vietnam when they were back at home. That is an extreme example of what I'm talking about, but it is one that is easy to understand.
What has taken me so long to say here, is that I am not intentionally going to lie here in the process of becoming better. The urge to lie to impress the "anonymous masses" is huge. Who doesn't want to be liked? This is not going to be about impressing anyone but myself. Is that a lie? Maybe I'm saying that to impress your rebel side. I don't know yet, but hopefully before too long, I'll be able to answer that.
Thing is at this moment I feel honest, and as long as I feel that way, I will continue this journey. This honesty might cause discomfort for some of my loved ones during this, but I hope they understand where this is coming from and not get all 'stuck on the details'. If your still reading this you are a moron, but don't take that the wrong way.
Tommy
Beginnings
I first tried acid during the end of my first marriage. People that know me, would be surprised that I wasn't tripping in my high school days. I projected some sort of druggie image back then, but It was all a front. Seems to me that allot of what kids and adults do is in direct contrast to the appearance that they portray. I've never studied psychology, nor have I graduated from any higher education program (hell, I barely passed high school), but I do believe that I have a knack for observing people and expressing my unqualified opinion every chance I get.
In my last job, I had worked my way into a supervisory position. Before that I was an aircraft mechanic who, for lack of a better term was a marginal employee. I spent most of my time on the clock trying to figure out ways not to do my job, but I had a knack for making the powers in charge believe that I was awesome at my job. This allowed me to position myself into a first level supervisor job. The first few months were hell. I was working very hard to impress my supervisors, and still keep the ties to the peer group I just left. I would make sure to eat my lunches with my "old" friends. They would always tell me to remember where I came from. Problem is at the first chance a group of them had they forgot where I came from. Then I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place.
I used to have this dream when I was a mechanic that the company was a prison and we hourly employees were the inmates, suffering from the abuse of the prison guards. I would wake up in a cold sweat and have to reassure myself it was only a dream and not real. After taking the first level supervisor job, I started having the same dream, but this time instead of being an inmate, I was a trustee. Which was worse, I was hated by my fellow inmates and belittled by the prison guards. In hind sight, this was a warning from my self conscious. I should have quit that job and become a traveling hermit, but the family prevented that. Not too sure how that worked out cause I lost my marriage to the work schedule and the horrible attitude I developed from dealing with the stress.
My main problem is that I am a self styled rebel. I am one of those people that believe that you can say or do anything as long as your right. This led to several conflicts with superiors that eventually led to my termination (pissing off the wrong person, and then that person becoming a VP 4 years later). I was inconsistent with my "rightness". I would stand up for my employees when it seemed like it was an easy win, but when someone more persuasive to me had a different idea I would swap sides. I believe most people are that way. It's not some sort of weakness, its just ingrained in our mentality as heard animals. I hurt allot of people in my brief time as a boss. I'd also like to think I helped more than I hurt, but who knows. I'm probably just kidding myself. I do know that I cared deeply for the guys that worked for me. I also know that most of them screwed me on a daily basis.
The thing is that during that time I forgot who I was. I was trying to be this person that I thought I was supposed to be. A responsible alpha male, who provides allot to his children and puts his wife in a new car every 2 years, votes republican, kisses ass, and inspires others. This was all an act. I used to hate the man, then I became the man, which made me hate myself. Today I am a lowly hourly employee working in a completely different industry.I hope that I can remember the lessons I learned then and apply them to my life now. I am constantly reminding myself to quit projecting something I'm not.
So that is why I'm doing this. I want to become who I am and stop pretending to be someone else. So if you stubled on this humble blog by accident, run away and delete your history. If you decide that you think I might be interesting and decide to follow it, well your a moron, but I like morons. Hell I'm a moron
I'm a loser baby--so why don't you kill me.
T
In my last job, I had worked my way into a supervisory position. Before that I was an aircraft mechanic who, for lack of a better term was a marginal employee. I spent most of my time on the clock trying to figure out ways not to do my job, but I had a knack for making the powers in charge believe that I was awesome at my job. This allowed me to position myself into a first level supervisor job. The first few months were hell. I was working very hard to impress my supervisors, and still keep the ties to the peer group I just left. I would make sure to eat my lunches with my "old" friends. They would always tell me to remember where I came from. Problem is at the first chance a group of them had they forgot where I came from. Then I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place.
I used to have this dream when I was a mechanic that the company was a prison and we hourly employees were the inmates, suffering from the abuse of the prison guards. I would wake up in a cold sweat and have to reassure myself it was only a dream and not real. After taking the first level supervisor job, I started having the same dream, but this time instead of being an inmate, I was a trustee. Which was worse, I was hated by my fellow inmates and belittled by the prison guards. In hind sight, this was a warning from my self conscious. I should have quit that job and become a traveling hermit, but the family prevented that. Not too sure how that worked out cause I lost my marriage to the work schedule and the horrible attitude I developed from dealing with the stress.
My main problem is that I am a self styled rebel. I am one of those people that believe that you can say or do anything as long as your right. This led to several conflicts with superiors that eventually led to my termination (pissing off the wrong person, and then that person becoming a VP 4 years later). I was inconsistent with my "rightness". I would stand up for my employees when it seemed like it was an easy win, but when someone more persuasive to me had a different idea I would swap sides. I believe most people are that way. It's not some sort of weakness, its just ingrained in our mentality as heard animals. I hurt allot of people in my brief time as a boss. I'd also like to think I helped more than I hurt, but who knows. I'm probably just kidding myself. I do know that I cared deeply for the guys that worked for me. I also know that most of them screwed me on a daily basis.
The thing is that during that time I forgot who I was. I was trying to be this person that I thought I was supposed to be. A responsible alpha male, who provides allot to his children and puts his wife in a new car every 2 years, votes republican, kisses ass, and inspires others. This was all an act. I used to hate the man, then I became the man, which made me hate myself. Today I am a lowly hourly employee working in a completely different industry.I hope that I can remember the lessons I learned then and apply them to my life now. I am constantly reminding myself to quit projecting something I'm not.
So that is why I'm doing this. I want to become who I am and stop pretending to be someone else. So if you stubled on this humble blog by accident, run away and delete your history. If you decide that you think I might be interesting and decide to follow it, well your a moron, but I like morons. Hell I'm a moron
I'm a loser baby--so why don't you kill me.
T
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